How To Support Someone That Just Lost Their Baby

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After Laney died, I couldn’t believe some of the things that people said to me. At the time I just wanted to shut myself in my bedroom and never come out, but now that it’s been 4.5 years, I’ve been through lots of therapy, Griefshare sessions and countless conversations with God, I can firmly say with confidence that people really don’t know what to say when a baby dies. It’s uncomfortable and unnatural and no one wants to think about how awful it is. Ella at Hey Beautiful Mama wrote a wonderful post on how to support someone that just lost their baby and it is so wonderfully put.

Thankfully we had so many wonderful people pouring love into our home when we came home from the hospital. Our friends and family set up a meal train of sorts, I think someone brought us dinner every night for at least 2 weeks. Our family put all of the baby items we had set up around the house into our daughters’ nursery so we didn’t have to. I’m going to be honest, the first couple of months after Laney died were a blur and still are. The only thing that really truly helped us was time and leaning on our faith in Jesus, knowing and trusting that His plan was greater than ours.

Let’s get right into some things you CAN do for someone who’s just lost their baby:

• Listen to them talk about their baby, their plans they had for them, all of the things they’ll never get to do with their baby, etc.
• Make them a meal, whether it’s breakfast, lunch, dinner or even a yummy dessert. They’re not going to want to even think about cooking.
• Force them to get out of bed with an activity, albeit a puzzle, some kind of craft, to go for drive, to sit outside, anything.
• Get them a sweet keepsake to memorialize their baby.
• Continue checking in on them, even if you “think it’s been long enough”.

Let them talk about their baby

Laney was born sleeping at 36 weeks. She was a perfect and beautiful, fully developed baby girl. All I wanted was to show everyone pictures of her, talk about how dark and curly her hair was, how cute and dainty her little fingers and toes were, and how much I wanted to soak I every moment I spent with her. Alas, I felt like I was unable to talk about her out of fear of making people uncomfortable. I’ve come a long way since then and now I speak of her as if she really was still here. In those early days I was so lost and confused and I didn’t know how to navigate my own emotions, much less figure out what others were expecting of me or willing to hear about.

I did have some dear friends and family who gave me the space to speak freely of Laney and openly discuss all of the plans and dreams we had for her. All of the things we’d never get to do with her like introduce her to her nursery or see her smile for the first time, dress her in all of the adorable clothes we were gifted and so many other things we’d never get to do that we so badly wanted to.

If someone you love is in the midst of grieving the baby they so badly longed for, give them the space to openly talk about their baby, how much it hurts to never get to experience life with them and all of the other things they’re grieving as well.

Bring them a meal

Just like people bring new parents meals after their baby arrives, it’s still a lovely idea to do so even if they don’t get to bring their baby home. The last thing on our minds when we came home from the hospital after Laney was born was eating, let alone cooking. We had an incredible support system that came to our rescue and provided meals for us for a couple of weeks. If your loved one is going through the tough times of pregnancy or infant loss, bringing them some comforting food is a wonderful way to show that you care.

You don’t even have to cook it! You can pick up pre made deli food, their favorite take out or even get a gift card to their favorite restaurant or fast food place. If you do decide to whip up a fresh, home made meal, make sure it’s something that is easily reheated. One of my absolute favorite comfort foods that a dear friend made for us was turkey and dumplings, very similar to chicken and dumplings but with turkey. Here’s a great recipe by Monica at Nourish and Fete to recreate this DELICIOUS comfort food perfect for bringing to a loved one.

Don’t forget about a yummy dessert! In the midst of such deep emotional pain, a good ole chocolate chip cookie is never a bad idea. Homemade, store bought, Crumbl bought, whatever it may be, they will appreciate it just like I did. I actually had a friend come to my house and talk me into making fresh chocolate cookies together. Looking back, it was her clever way to get me out of bed all the while making something delicious that we could enjoy afterwards. I can vividly remember thinking that I would never “get back to normal”, how was I supposed to cook a meal when my heart had a gaping hole in it? How could I nourish my body when I really just felt like dying? The intense pain I felt after losing Laney was something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. So trust me when I say, bringing a meal to your loved one goes a long way.